CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Boreades]

The coach tours would obviously include some Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty (AONB).

Less obvious are the Areas of Outstanding Nasty Ugliness (AONU).

The Shire offers examples of both.

The test for an AONU?

Just look at the existing houses, roads, railways, shops, warehouses etc, and decide what percentage would never-ever get planning permission to be built there in the same way now.

Any areas with a high percentage should be designated by the government as AONUs. They are already ghastly places, so anything new would be an improvement. Declare that no planning permission is required at all, and give the property developers free rein.

[Mick Harper]

Don't respond, it only encourages him. Oh damn, I just did.

[Mick Harper]

Last time I called OVO Energy about my malfunctioning smart meters I was assured 'it can take four weeks to load'. The electric one was working but of course electricity moves at the speed of light. Gas takes longer, it would seem. It's all to do with molecules, you wouldn't understand. Any road, the month being up and there being no change in the situation, I rang again. To my immense relief I was told

[Mick Harper]

Stalin used to dismiss intelligent women as 'herrings with ideas'. I agree with him though I would add intelligent men to the list.

Me and Uncle Joe. Twin peaks.

[Mick Harper]

I have previously commented on the curious frequency that utility providers tell you they are having trouble with their computers when you ring them. I believed them for the first couple of dozen times but then my keen AE brain figured this was not actually possible. But why were they telling us such a threadbare lie?

I decided that, in all probability, it was so that each individual operator could handle more than one of us and the subsequent delays would be blamed by our trusting selves on dodgy computers rather than the pinchpenny ways of utility companies.

So I was not surprised when it happened on my last call, with Britain's biggest energy supplier. What do they know about computer upkeep? I was a little more surprised with this current one (and it is current, I am writing this during it) since it is Britain's biggest computer services provider. But heigh-ho that's not the story...

[Mick Harper]

This is the story...

I had got a sweetheart deal from Virgin dating back to a Covid kerfuffle. I ended up paying £130 a month for a package worth £170. [Before you ask: Any amount of talking on the phone, superduper Broadband, every TV channel under their sun, Sky Sports, TNT Sports and Sky Films.] It's coming to an end this month and I was a worried man. Not only did the sweetie deal end, there was a 7-8% increase in all their services.

After the usual round the houses I got through to an Indian bloke. This worried me, I have always dealt with dopey Welshmen in the past. This bloke explained to me all their computers were on the blink etc etc and finally... my bill would be going up to £140. I reckoned he hadn't spotted the end of the sweeties so I made a mild comment about this. He immediately offered to see what he could do to reduce this. I told him I would be happy with the £140 deal but he was off...

After twenty minutes or so (interspersed with "I'm still working on it, Michael" every five minute) he gave me his undivided attention. I could have it all for £137 for the next eighteen months. Plus he threw in a Netflix membership (which I had cancelled a coupla years ago). I got an email confirming all this. (Except Netflix came 'with adverts'...mmm, we'll see.) But I was reasonably ecstatic.

He took another half an hour (interspersed every five minutes) trying to get his computer to accept it all. "It keeps refusing your package, Michael." I wasn't surprised, it knew more than he did. But anyway in the end that's what I've got. It all goes up to £200 in eighteen months time but that's what they told me last time!

[Boreades]

£130 a month!!!

Jeez, now we know why there's nothing in the AEL pension fund.

Out here in The Shire, we can't even get Virgin Media.

The Financial Director in Chateau Boreades' Accounts Department has decreed that FreeSat and Netflix £18.99 / month is more than enough for the Clan Boreades and all guests in all rooms.

[Mick Harper]

I wondered at first whether the whole thing was like Domino's. You find just the pizza you want, you look at the price, you blanche, you look at the 'special offers', you find you can have it for half the price because there's an R in the month. You order two of them.

But I don't think so. The Domino's business model works by making sure the special offers are plastered everywhere so the punter can't miss 'em. I can assure you getting a Virgin special deal requires the ingenuity of Sherlock Holmes, the doggedness of Ernest Shackleton, the people skills of Lavrenti Beria and the all round sensibleness of Mrs Boreades.

[Mick Harper]

In fairness I ought to mention something that greatly surprised me at the time. When we were embarked on some project or other, I would be on the phone all day with Hatty. Either lots of short calls or, if we were second drafting or subediting, hour-long ones. All long distance, all peak hours.

Then I got a call from Virgin. "Did you know, Mr Harper, you can sign up to Anytime and get all this for next to nothing?"

[Mick Harper]

Talking of next to nothing

[Wile E. Coyote]

"Do you want ad free or with ads"

"Have you got anything cheaper"

"Of course you just need to buy a TV and a Licence, then terrestrial is free"

"I don't have a TV"

"Very good, sir, that will just be one licence then if you want to watch the BBC iplayer"

"Great, what's the cost"

"That will be £169.50"

[Mick Harper]

Is that true? I didn't know that. So the TV detector vans are now zeroed in on your computer's electronic doodads as well, are they? Bastards. It's worse than the Gestapo turning the lights off on each floor of a block of flats to discover where the French Resistance's radio transmissions to SOE are coming from.

Much worse. Especially if the villains are watching old episodes of 'Allo 'Allo. With ads, I understand.

[Boreades]

Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once:
Don't tell them your name, Mick!

What can I watch without a TV Licence?

[Mick Harper]

I watched without a licence for many years but buying a mini-set to watch at work the bloke casually asked me for my address which I gave him just as casually. I didn't know HMG had just sent out a circular instructing all TV retailers to get purchasers' addresses and forward them to HMG.

After a stern rebuke, I paid the licence for many years until the Golden Generation was told they didn't have to any more.

[Boreades]

Here's a short documentary about the Licence Collectors in action.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YMVPXmaKds

It's a war out there.