The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

I used to urge they bring Glenn Hoddle on and he was the manager! The one sacked on a fortune-teller's advice, by the way. ('You will meet a tall dark stranger, and get stuffed three-nil.')

Though I'm puzzled how twenty thousand Mexicans were able to breach Tuchel's vaunted security arrangements, and serenade the team all night before the match. Not that most of the lads were there. Out partying, they said. They like their home comforts.

[Mick Harper]

Gianni has finally crossed the line. Or has he? The story so far::

* Balogun (ex-Arsenal academy, but that's irrelevant) got a red card for 'raking'
* It was harsh but fair given the current interpretation that if it happens it's your fault
* Balogun suspended for the Belgium game, as per rule
*A Balogunless USA haven't got a prayer against Belgium
* Trump rings Infantino
* 'Yes sir, no sir, three baloguns full, sir.'

[Mick Harper]

England vs Norway Miami, July 11th

According to our research department, this will be the first time we've played a knockout match against a team less adapted to hot, muggy conditions than we are since England 1 Iceland 2 at Nice in June 2016.

[Mick Harper]

After the USA's shock exit to higher-ranked Belgium, President Trump is minded to throw his support in favour of England where he has golf courses throughout Scotland. A telegram has been sent from Number Ten. 'Please not,' it read.

[Mick Harper]

The way to look at these things is 'with your heart'.

Would you trust England to beat Norway?
Of course. Piece of piss.

Would you have trusted England to beat Brazil?
No way, José.

Would you trust England to beat Argentina?
I'd say it's fifty/fifty. Certainly no worse than 40/60. We could easily fuck 'em in the arse.

Would you trust England to beat France or Spain?
Absolutely not, but in a one-off with the wind in our sails, we're in with a shout.

Unfortunately, that's exactly what you mustn't do according to AE, which ordains you have to look around for a mechanism that sums up the entire world's fund of knowledge about the remaining teams with total objectivity, and then presents it to you in a readily comprehensible way.

In other words, the bookies' odds:
France 15/8
Spain 7/2
Argentina 4/1
England 5/1
Norway 16/1
Colombia 20/1

That's what I said!

[Mick Harper]

I discovered from an American expert's ignorance that it is not widely known Balogun is a 'birthright American'. His mother, a pregnant Nigerian living in England was visiting New York but anxious to get back to London for the birth. [Doubtless to take advantage of NHS-tourism, a racist interjects.]

The airline wouldn't accept her because of her condition so she was obliged to stay in New York to give birth to Balogun. Within weeks Madonna-and-child had flown off to the land of neither of their births.

If Trump had got his way with the Supreme Court the other week, instead of the surprise 4-5 verdict he got, Balogun would not have been eligible to play for the no-stars and hooped stripes. Though he would have been if FIFA's more expansive regulations had applied. A question currently under discussion between Messrs Trump and Infantino.

[Mick Harper]

My quarterfinal predictions:

England vs Brazil
Argentina vs Colombia
France vs Holland
Belgium vs Spain

The actualité:

England vs Norway
Argentina vs Switzerland
France vs Morocco
Belgium vs Spain

That's more than 50%. Well done me.

[Mick Harper]

France 2 Morocco 0

Good grief, it's the quarter-finals and we're still getting these Mickey Mouse matches. And it won't get any better...

* England/Norway, like Man U versus Tranmere Rovers in the third round of the Cup.
* Argentina/Switzerland, not one for the neutrals.
* Spain/Belgium might stir the sinews if Spain are having a siesta and the Belgians are on drugs.

The trouble with this World Cup is it's like the Premier League: half a dozen contenders and a throng of no-hopers. With the difference that contenders get eliminated early doors.

[Mick Harper]

Frank 'The Penalty King' Arbuthnot writes

1. Stutter-step pens are out! They were a good wheeze while they were a surprise package but now that everybody does them, all the goalie has to do is stand his ground and he will face a kick taken from a standing start.

2. If the dude doesn't stutter-step, don't anticipate what side he's going for -- he'll like as not be putting it down the middle.

3. If it's a penalty shoot-out most of them will be quaking in their boots. Don't help 'em out by treating them as Harry Kanes. Just quietly take your place, about a yard left or right of centre to confuse them with optimism, and they'll do the rest.

4. Try to remember you're playing for your country, not for your place in the side. You shouldn't mind looking a berk if the statistics say 'do nothing'.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Most penalties are scored.

Wileys view is the Goalkeeper must make an educated gamble, on where the ball is going, to stand any chance at all, with a dive, to left or right, or stand still.

The stutter worked as Goalkeepers tried to read the stutter, and ended up diving prematurely, or waiting, looking confused and doing nothing.

The best method to counter a stutter, is to read (make an educated gamble) on the run up before the stutter, and stick with your original reading, whether its left right or centre.

So yes, ignore the stutter altogether, you guess on any tell, (eg dropping of left arm) during the first few steps of the takers run up, and make a decisive dive, or confident stand still for the one down the centre.

By doing so you only give yourself a 20%-30% (you cover less than a third of the goal) chance of saving, but that is better than acting indecisively when you have no chance.... unless the striker hits you or misses the goal altogther.

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

It is worth pointing out however that the need for stutter-step penalties has been created by the ever-increasing ability of modern goalkeepers to save shots in non-increasing size-of-goals. A phenomenon I have covered passim.

[Mick Harper]