The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Can someone explain to me how the killer B's -- Brighton, Brentford, Bournemouth -- survive in the Premier League?

They have poky little stadiums, no brand recognition, a home base that supports Man United and an international hoofprint that doesn't get as far as Gatwick Airport. They flourish, we are told, because they scour the world for promising youngsters, train them up and sell 'em on to the Big Boys.

Well done them, but isn't every other club in the world -- even the Big Boys -- doing just that? "Hello, son, fancy coming to Brentford?" "Pliss?"

Come on, what's the real secret?

[Mick Harper]

Talking of the Big Boys, the team you're managing has just qualified for the Champion's League behind PSG and won the French Cup at a canter. You're sitting at your desk waiting for one of the Really Big Boys to call. The phone rings. "Crystal Palace here." "Pliss?"

[Mick Harper]

Arsenal 2 Chelsea 1

A surprisingly exciting match. I only switched to double-speed for the last ten minutes for anxiety-suppression reasons. Usually, with Arsenal games, I do it as soon as they've gone one-up, for boredom-suppression reasons.

My prediction that the season will end with the same scoreline --Arsenal 2, Chelsea 1 -- was rather borne out. It is true Arsenal were better than I expected (and decisively better than Chelsea) and will win the Champions' League as a consolation prize, but they are a finished product, tweaked. Chelsea are a project-in-the-making and have a far higher ceiling.

With their Basque matching our Basque, step for step, and our Basque being in charge for five years and theirs for five months, the upshot will be clear daylight putting us in the shade by Christmas. Let's hope you didn't read it here first.

[Mick Harper]

1. Unforced errors by professional footballers are quite unusual. It is not unusual for a professional footballer, having acquired possession of the ball thanks to an unforced error, will promptly lose it again by making an unforced error. It happens all the time. No-one knows why this is. Probably because no-one ever notices. They even deny the phenomenon when it is pointed out to them.

2. Professional footballers are trained to kick the ball appropriately and it is unusual for them not to do so. Unless they can just 'pass' the ball into the net. Then they always blaze it over the bar. It happens all the time.

No-one knows why this is. People do not deny it when the phenomenon is pointed out to them but they always say something about 'getting over-excited', as if this is an explanation. Unless it is the explanation, in which case professional footballers should be trained to control their excitement.

Unless this is either (a) impossible in and of itself or (b) would remove something more important from their set of attributes. But people never add such riders to their explanation so we'll never know.

[Mick Harper]

Solve This And Get A Top Soccer Job

1. The goalie is messing about with the ball at his feet at the edge of the penalty area, waiting for a team-mate to come open.
2. Otherwise he will hoof it up the park.
3. The opposing team is pressing but not arduously so.
4. One of them, usually the centre-forward, is on 'goalkeeper duty' i.e. with a general brief to make the goalie's mind up, preferably precipitately.
5. He is currently loitering seven or eight yards away to make sure the goalie can't dribble it out himself.
6. Both forward and goalie know he can make a sudden lunge to force the goalie to make his mind up precipitately.
7. Both know if he does this precipitately he may create a space for one of the goalie's team-mates to come open.
8. It's a standard situation that occurs and reoccurs in all top level matches nowadays.
9. But it is a relatively new situation and nobody has worked out the finer points.
10 You wish to be employed as a 'standard situation coach' with a top Premier League club, you work it out...

[Mick Harper]

* The first thing to note is that goalies are not professional 'ball at their feet messing abouterers'. They're OK at it, we all are, but nothing special.

* The second thing to note is that these are the only intervals during a top level football match that anyone ever has the luxury of being able to mess around with a football at his feet for an indefinite period of time. Nobody is professionally trained in the art.

* There are fleeting moments when doing this that means the ball will be out of range of your feet. We are not aware of this since we have been doing it since kindergarten and you don't get kindergarten teachers lunging at you from seven or eight yards away. Not if it's properly registered. We just adjust our feet unconsciously.

* Sooner rather than later, that distance is too great for a comfortable readjustment of the feet and you will be prone to discomfort if this becomes important for some reason. A sudden need to lump it up the park, for instance, when a centre-forward makes a threatening move in your direction.

* Not necessarily distance either. The ball being on your left side and you being right-footed, for example. All sorts. Experts have only been studying the problem for quarter of an hour.

* The third thing to note is that being on goalie-watch is not what centre-forwards signed up for. They're OK at it, we all are, but nothing special.

* So get your centre forward trained up in it.

* It is now not only one of his most important duties -- the whole tenor of a match is dictated by whether the ball is lumped up the park or played forward via intricate meshing of defenders and midfielders -- it will be a source of goals (tell him).

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]