The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

They won't have worked him out, as they have Saka and Foden. But even so, we're looking at bringing him on as a sub in the quarters. He plays a blinder, gets picked as a starter for the semi and gets taken off for being ineffective, as is the whole team. There's no third-place final so no worries about him joining the ranks of black penalty missers.

[Mick Harper]

Girding up for the defining moment of the century
Mick Harper on Medium

The Euros are upon us. For non-Euros, this is a quadrennial football tournament to decide who is top dog in Europe and that means, apart from Brazil and Argentina, who is the greatest country in the known universe. Bar none, America.

And I can exclusively reveal, after consulting the wallchart free with the Sun newspaper but now in pride of place in my withdrawing room, that country is England. Yes, I know, England isn’t technically a country, more an administrative subsection of the United Kingdom, but as King Charles said in a brief but moving ceremony held in the departure lounge at Heathrow, “Fuck Scotland.”

He was then whisked away to say something broadly similar at Edinburgh airport where the Scottish team were being bade farewell by their ain folk. Hang around, McTavish, and you can welcome them home again after they’ve lost all their group matches as per usual.

But the people I really feel sorry for are the French, the Germans, the Spanish and the Italians who are in for a nasty surprise when their congenital lapdogs bite them in the nads. Yes, we’re back! For the first time since 1866, we are the masters now.

We made sure of that when we had the disastrous dress rehearsal that traditionally leads to a triumphant first night by losing one-nil to Iceland at Wembley. As I said to anyone who would listen: how can you have a warm-up game against Iceland?

In fact my only worry is if complacency starts to creep in. I overheard more than one of our lads saying, “We only have to turn up to win it.” That is not the attitude I want to see. I want to see some good old-fashioned British brown envelopes being distributed among the match officials. I want to see the ghost of Nobby Stiles putting it around in the box. And I’m not referring to the penalty box.

I want to see Jude Bellingham drop his Castillian lah-de-dah and remember he is a Brummie first and foremost even if anyone from Birmingham is looking for the way out as soon as the midwife has delivered him into that vale of tears. I want… I want… to be happy again.

[Mick Harper]

Football Cops (Channel 4)

Watching this mildly diverting series I was suddenly reminded of what policing was like in the fifties, when I and thirty or forty thousand others watched Charlton at the Valley. There was one policeman in the ground. He used to slowly walk round the perimeter of the pitch and would provoke no reaction from fans unless he tried to trap the ball when it came towards him. Plus a few outside the ground concerned with traffic and ushering people. There were, as far as I can recall, no stewards. Only turnstile operators, programme sellers and the Percy Dalton man. The Age of Deference.

The weirdest thing about these programmes was not the police -- I did not know by the way that every football club has a Dedicated Police Officer -- but the sight of Crewe Alexandra hooligans. (The Crew?) I mean, how on earth do you have any credibility be ye e'er so hooliganic.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Netherlands played a traditional type of friendly against Iceland, ie their players barely got past walking pace, they were clearly trolling "The Trollanders" by playing keepball, trying a number of extravagant flicks, lobs, Cruyff turns etc.

Not a single one of them put in a decent shift.

4-0.

[Mick Harper]

The Netherlands are the only team I'd rather not come up against. Belgium might beat us but they're ranked above us so that would be no disgrace. France (above), Germany, Spain and Italy (below) would just be as per usual. Portugal are dangerous floaters (despite Christiano being in the squad) so maybe not them either.

We have by far the easiest group but when sixteen qualify from twenty-four that means nothing (apart for Scotland obviously). Though having said that I remember when we were in the easiest group in 2014 --Uruguay and Costa Rica went through, us and Italy didn't.

[Wile E. Coyote]

I fear Italy, Spalletti is amongst the top coaches in the world, Southgate might make it into the top 50.

The Italians will probably be more organised, better motivated, make better substitutions and so on.

Granted, we have better players.....

[Mick Harper]

That was my point. I'd have no grave objections if we go out to Italy. Countries that are multiple pot-holders have it in their blood. They have an expectation of winning, or for some inexplicable reason not winning on this occasion. Even when we have the best players, as I agree we do, we have no such assumption. We come to the business with an air of "Please, sir, can we join you?" It is really astonishing how small the multiple-winners pool is and how it just doesn't get any bigger over time. But look at France when it does.

There is only one way of sitting at the top table and that is to already be sitting at the top table. The situation was best described by Schrödinger. "Here, kitty-kitty. Here, England-England."

[Wile E. Coyote]

I find it a tad strange that you pay £1.2 Billion to take over the footballing side of Man United without knowing whether you intend to keep the manager or not. We now know Sir Jim was happy to keep Ten Hag, but only after they won the FA Cup. Maybe this is as his previously acquired clubs, FC Lausanne-Sport, and OSG Nice, have not been at all successful, other than Lausanne gaining promotion after previously being relegated, both occurring under Sir Jim's ownership.

[Mick Harper]

He's obviously a complete git, football-wise, but what I want to know is what the Glazers are getting out of it all. Man Utd can't be a money-machine at the moment and they don't even get the fun of running a football club. Unless they do. But what I want to know is what Sir Jim is getting out of it. Man Utd can't be a money-machine at the moment and he doesn't even get the fun of running a football club. Unless he does. But what I want to know is what the fans are getting out of supporting Man Utd. They won't be winning trophies (except the Charity Cup in August) so it must the fun of watching billionaires duking it out as to which of them is going to shaft them up the arse.

[Wile E. Coyote]

I wanted to believe the 3-0 predictions, I wanted to believe that Trent would show a lot more energy as Declan said he would, I wanted to concentrate on Trent's qualities (long passing) rather than what he wasn't so good at (defending, breaking up attacks, receiving the ball in difficult positions). Things started well, I had forgotten. I was merely irritated by Shearer continually saying "absolutely" as we revelled in how good Saka and Bellingham were. Then Jude scored. Elation. For the next 45 minutes Serbia slowly improved, taking over midfield, our possession dropped from 70% as Serbia had more and more ball. Trent took a number of free kicks, a corner, got caught in possession, dropped his shoulder and glided majestically past a player, but showed no incliantion to read Serbia's attacking game or press. Wiley was becoming depressed, Bellingham was becoming knackered. Southgate, having courageously copied Klopp's experiment of allowing Trent to play midfield, looked like Mr Glum. After an hour, and now being overrun, Gareth takes off Trent, all the commentators agreed he had a good game.

[Mick Harper]

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

I am sort of moving in your direction. You only have to look/listen to him to know he lacks Glenda's devotion to duty and self-improvement. I suppose if Klopp has not managed to work the oracle in a coupla years, Miss Southgate's Academy is not going to manage it in two weeks. Which brings us on to Foden. Your thoughts as to his correct position and role -- presumably not on the bench, being our 'third world class' player -- is requested. I am defeated.

* He's not from the Third World of course. Unless you count Stockport as Third World. I don't.

[Wile E. Coyote]

I reckon his best position is where Jude plays, so it's a question of where he would add the most in Gareth's 4/3/3 (if you strengthen the midfield three by dropping Trent), you need to utilise his engine, pace, dribbling skills and terrier-like competitive qualities.

With Jude fit, and Shaw unfit, he should have been tried as left wing back. Pep says he can play there, and it would have given England much better balance.

Just my view.

[Mick Harper]

Not a bad wheeze except it's a bit late in the day to be trying such radical experiments. I'm referring to Man City too though they are so overwhelming you could probably play all ten outfield players using a lottery system and still win at a canter. This does not apply to England who can hoof it but not think on the hoof.

Playing Foden as a left wing back (and presumably no left winger) casts a light on Saka on the right. As you said, he kept getting showered with praise but all I could see was his inability to beat his man. In my book that means he is not a winger but a (quite effective) utility attacker (though he has more experience than Foden as a wing back).

I would adopt Alf Ramsey's solution and play without wingers at all. But what that means in terms of personnel and tactics is something I am not in a position to fathom. More than one pundit questioned Kane's positioning though none of them dared to question his selection. And nor dare I. Yet.