The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

I watched a whole YouTube on the new Old Trafford -- made by a town planner not a football freak. According to the dude, it consists of

1. Tearing down the existing modern stadium, generally considered the best or near-best in Britain, if not Europe
2. In order to build a similar one a few yards from the present one
3. But with a few extra bits and bobs
4. In order to improve prospects of renting it out for pop concerts et al.

We were both totally bewildered by the end of it.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Shedaur Sanders has quickly become a massive AE fan favorite. Thi is because the Cleveland Browns, would apparently rather pick as their Quarter Back (QB1), that old fella with a witherered arm, two arthritic knees, who they say had one good season in 1998 for the New Mexican Nachos.

Still this time last year Shedaur was QB3, and was training with the under 11s. This time he will be running out, after the Browns have lost their first two games. He will then be sacked 124 times as he lacks match practice.

Chin up Shedaur.

We love you.

[Mick Harper]

Not to mention paying twenty million dollars to masseuses because QB1 thought, reasonably enough, they were brasses. What in NFL circles is called the Robert Kraft Oversight (RKO). Though now the 49ers' owner has just stumbled into a sting operation when visiting an Ohioan trailer park seeking the same service, it will have to be renamed General Owners Problem (GOP).

[Mick Harper]

Though we did learn there is a town in Ohio called East Palestine. Well-named because it straddles the Pennsylvanian border (for legal reasons presumably if its chief industry is dodgy trailer parks). Though it is known to us rail buffs who always check first for sting operations before entering trailer parks for illicit nookie

[Mick Harper]

One must do one's best not to mock Scottish football but they do make it hard. Celtic are one qualifying round away from the Champions League proper and have been drawn against a bunch of Austrian nobodies.

While watching highlights of the first game, in Glasgow, you couldn't help thinking the lads in Oirish hoops didn't entirely deserve their 3-0 win, but that pretty much wrapped it up. When they went four-up early doors in Austria, they really had wrapped it up. It was Goodnight, Vienna.

Late Result: LASK 5 Celtic 1

[Mick Harper]

And as a bonus the old 'Scottish goalkeeper' jibe re-emerged. (Who remembers that?) All the LASK goals were scored by random neo-Austrians taking potshots from outside the box and McGoalie diving in slow motion to wave at the ball as it passed him by to nestle in the back of the net. There'd be a pun there except Nestle's are Swiss.

[Mick Harper]

Justice Euro-Cocklecarrot speaks

A Scotsman was also responsible for Dynamo Zagreb's exit. Scott Mckenna was standing around minding his own business in the penalty area when a Viking ball came sailing in. A Viking forward dived headlong but missed. The ball ricocheted into McKenna's midriff standing a yard away. Then onto his hand, arm in a natural position.

It's a pen all day long, my Eurocolleague decided after consulting the pitchside replay. Clearly Our Man in Croatia should have anticipated all this and placed his arm in an un-natural position.

Galatasaray qualified and will likely be playing one of the English sides in England sooner or later. This would give the Home Secretary a decision: should she allow Mason Greenwood back in? My advice, 'Yes, but wearing electronic monitors. Both ankles and one for his knob.'

However she has been spared a repeat of the Birmingham anti-Semitic riots of last year when Hapoel Be'er Sheba were dispatched by an Azerbaijani side that was only formed nine years ago. One for every Hapoel player on the pitch by the end of the game. They won't be sorely missed.

[Mick Harper]

For years, my pet teams have always got an easy ride when it came to being drawn out of a hat. Whether it was England, New England or Arsenal. I attributed this to God rewarding me for my good work. I may have offended Him in some way because Arsenal are in a Group of Death-and-a-half following the Champions League draw.

The system is novel but straightforward (and excellent): you play two teams from Pot One, two from Pot Two, two from Pot Three and two from Pot Four.

From Pot One, you need to avoid the big-hitters
Arsenal pulled Real Madrid and Bayern Munich

From Pot Two, you need to avoid German and Spanish clubs
Arsenal pulled Borussia Dortmund and Real Betis

From Pot Three, you need to avoid French and Italian clubs
Arsenal pulled Lille and Napoli

From Pot Four, it doesn't matter, they're all automatic three-pointers
Arsenal pulled Sabah and Slavia Prague

It's just not fair. And it's all down to the way Pots are decided. It's on some daft historical coefficient basis, not how good teams are now. Arsenal, for instance, only just scraped into Pot One!

PS Thierry Henri was rolling the balls. What did we do to offend Him?

[Mick Harper]

Though the UEFA computer had clearly been programmed to give the Premier League teams a hard time generally.

Liverpool: Inter, Atletico Madrid, Porto, Club Brugge, Villarreal, Fenerbahce, Lens, Lask
Man City: PSG, Barcelona, Sporting, Porto, Napoli, RB Leipzig, AEK Athens, Lens
Villa: Barcelona, PSG, Dortmund, Brugge, Fenerbahce, Galatasaray, Viking, Slavia Prague
Man U: Atletico Madrid, Bayern, Roma, Sporting, Leipzig, Villarreal, Sabah, Como

We have serially offended the Eurocrats.

[Mick Harper]

The NFL are taking player safety seriously. They have come up with a list of common but dangerous fouls e.g. horsecollar tackles, blind-sided blocking... six in all.

Anyone guilty of committing any one particular type of them three times gets a one-match suspension. (You can commit them all twice without punishment.)

Statisticians worked out that one player would have been suspended for one match if the system was operating last season. The NFL is taking player safety seriously, up to a point.

[Mick Harper]

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

I will tell you then.

* Everything starts de novo with the season 2026-7
* One infraction in any one category is 'spent' at the end of the season.
* Two infractions in any one category means one is spent, one is carried forward to the next season.
* Three infractions in any one category means a one-game suspension and all three are spent.

Hiram C Cocklecarrot III Jnr will not be required apart from declaring a hip-drop tackle wasn't in fact a hip-drop tackle if it's the third hip-drop tackle by someone anyone's heard of.

[Mick Harper]

I wish someone would explain Bradley Barcola to me. (That name for a start.) He's been on offer for £145 million from PSG for the whole of the transfer window (and before that forever, it seems like). Liverpool are the latest club to be 'in for him'. But half a dozen have been 'in talks'.

So what do you need explaining, Mick?
Well, £145 million puts him well into Galactico territory.
It certainly does.
How come? He's twenty-three years old and done diddley.
PSG seem to value him highly.
Not that highly, he can't get into their first team.
Their present left-winger is described as the best player in his position in the world.
So his chief qualification is not being as good as someone else?
He played brilliantly for France in the World Cup.
Anyone can play brilliantly in a French team against some scratch side that couldn't hold a candle to a top European club side.
£145 million is nothing nowadays.
Oh, right. I didn't know. Sorry to have bothered you.
Go with God, my son.

[Mick Harper]

The Athletic Ranks the Top Fifty Premier League Players