Funny Stories (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

There are some hobbies that are beyond parody. I suspect all hobbies fall into this category.
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Twitching for England February 16, 2025

Everyone likes birds. Perhaps one percent of people like birds so much they become birdwatchers. That doesn’t sound like much but, in Britain, that means half a million people trying to cram into hides on godforsaken marshes to watch waders wade or whatever. (You can tell what I think about birdwatching.)

Perhaps one per cent of birdwatchers become twitchers. Sort of competitive birdwatchers. That doesn’t sound like much but in Britain, twitching capital of the world, it means

* Five thousand people setting out early doors for Cornwall
* Getting on the Scilly Isles ferry
* Joining the crowds of twitchers trying to catch a glimpse of
* A rusty tippet blown in on the Atlantic gales from Bangor, Maine
* Catching/not catching a glimpse of the tippet
* Getting the ferry back to Cornwall
* Driving back chez eux
* Calling out, “Honey, I’m home."
* Calling out, "Honey, are you home?”

No, she isn’t, pal, she’s left you. You can tell what she thought about twitching. Your dinner’s in the oven.

The average twitcher would be relieved. It gives him (and it always is a him) more opportunities to go twitching. He’d do it seven days a week if he didn’t have to work five days a week to pay for his twitching. But now at least he won’t have to spend one weekend in four visiting the in-laws.

[Mick Harper]

I expect many of you are getting a sense of deja vu but anyway you have the right to be made aware of the decline of a once-great mind. 'You couldn't make it up' is worth remembering with this one.
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Old Father Time said it’s later than you think February 20, 2025

If you are a Medium person you probably don’t have much of a life. I dare say you are of mature years living on your own, seeing out your days in a relentless routine. Worrying about when, not whether, your mental acuities are going to start slipping.

I know just such a person. He was watching the evening news as he does every day. He dozed off, as he often does. He dozed off for so long the programme had finished and his TV had returned to standby by the time he woke up. It happens. We've all done it.

He’d been up with the lark and had beavered away all day on his computer. He’s a lesson for us all to be perfectly honest. But this time it was different. He sat up with a jolt.

[Mick Harper]

The comedy of frustration is a popular but difficult genre. I hate it myself--I always over-identify with the teller--but life is too full of it to ignore.
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February is the Cruellest Month February 26, 2025
Especially for the old people

December
“Ace Contractors, Mr Harper. Annual gas safety inspection.”
“Down there.”
“All fine, Mr Harper.”
“Why is the pressure gauge on the boiler at zero?”
“Good point. Let me see. Oh, yes, your tap’s faulty. That’ll need fixing.”
“And…?”
“Haven’t got the doings with me. I’ll report it and they’ll send someone.”

January
“Ace? You were going to send someone about the water pressure tap.”
“So we were. Next Thursday all right for you, Mr Harper?”

“Ace Contractors, Mr Harper. Something about low water pressure.”
“Down there.”
“Oh yes, I see the problem. You’ve got a broken tap.”
“Yes, the last bloke said.”
“Haven’t got the doings with me. I’ll report it and they’ll send someone.”

late February 9 a.m.
“OMO Energy, Mr Harper, come to install your smart meters.”
“Down there.”
“Meters all done, Mr Harper.”
“Great. I’ll show you out.”
“But first, Mr Harper, I’m going to have to turn your gas off at the mains. Can you see those darkish stains on the wall over the boiler. That’s unburnt gas, that is. Could mean carbon monoxide.”
“It’s been like that for ages.”
“Makes no difference. By law I have to cap off all the gas. Sorry.”
“So who decides it’s safe to turn it back on.”
“OMO Energy.”
“You are OMO Energy.”
“Different department. You’ll have to ring them and explain the problem.”
“Can’t you ring them. You know what the problem is.”
“No, I’m nothing to do with that side of things.”

9.30 a.m.
“OMO Energy? I’ve just had one of your people round who’s capped the gas because he’s worried about carbon monoxide…”
“Somebody will be with you shortly, Mr Harper.”

10.00 a.m.
“OMO Energy, Mr Harper. Come about the carbon monoxide.”
“Down there.”
“Can’t turn the gas back on, I’m afraid. Not while that water pressure tap is broken. You’ll have to get that fixed first.”

10.05 a.m.
“Ace? It’s about the faulty pressure tap and carbon monoxide…”
“Carbon monoxide? We’ll be with you shortly, Mr Harper.”

11.00 a.m.
“Ace Contractors, Mr Harper. Something about low water pressure.”
“Down there.”
“You’ve got a broken tap.”
“Yes, the last bloke said.”
“I haven’t got the doings with me. I’ll report it and they’ll send someone.”
“It’s February and a bit parky without any heating.”
“I’ll get them to bring you a couple of electric heaters this afternoon.”

4.45 p.m.
“Ace? Any news about the heaters?”
“They’ll be bringing them this evening, Mr Harper.”
“Any news about the tap?”
“We’ve had to send off for it. You’ll have your gas back on next week.”

9.45 p.m.
“Ace? Any news about the heaters?”
“Engineers were busy. First thing tomorrow morning.”

9.45 a.m.
“Ace? Any news of the heaters?”
“First thing this afternoon.”

4.45 p.m.
“Cryogenics Inc? M J Harper here. Cancel my booking. I’ve decided to do it myself.”

[Ishmael]

This shit is hilarious. Sadly; I'm living proof that humor can't be taught.

[Mick Harper]

You are the only person in my whole life who has ever said so. But you have said so several times which counts for a lot.
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When all around you… February 27, 2025

People don’t realise that when you have just had your gas cut off in the middle of winter for some footling reason and it’s not going to be reconnected for a week, you don’t just lose your hot water and your central heating. You lose your gas stove as well.

Yes, you’ve got a microwave. They run on electricity, thanks be to God (and James Lovelock, I learned this week) so you can manage for two days on Tesco ready meals. After that you are reduced to large Birdseye fish fillets (large to them but two are required for a man’s man’s plate) and oven chips. (Did I mention you had a Baby Belling-style electric oven in the attic?) Then it’s just you. And, not to put too fine a point on it, the elements. No pun intended.

* You can’t boil water for potatoes.
* No sausages/no frying pan.
* Cheese on toast? Needs a grill.
* Eggs, no methods I can think of.
* Forget sending out for pizza, you had that last week as a celebration for something so momentous you’ve forgotten now what it was but it doesn’t matter because your mum said ‘not to have pizza every week, promise me, Mick’ afore she went.
* So it’s going to have be Chinese.

[Ishmael]

[Mick Harper]

That's perfectly true but other people don't know that, do they? A girl needs telling she's pretty occasionally, even if she knows she is drop dead gorgeous.

[Mick Harper]

I include this not because it's funny--you've heard it before anyway--but because it's the last story I wrote for Medium so it will presumably end this thread. Which is unique. So funny peculiar.
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I Give You M J Harper, Champion. May 18, 2025

I’ve only ever had two sporting triumphs in my life, both were at primary school. The first was a class hopping race and I had no chance. Until someone said, ‘Please, sir, how often can we change legs?’ ‘Oh, as often as you like,’ said Mr Cross (I kid you not).

The race started and everyone started hopping like mad. Everyone except Mickey ‘Dripping’ Harper who ran straight down the course and breasted the tape before anyone else was even halfway.
“It was a hopping race, Michael.”
“I know, sir, I changed legs every time.”
This was accepted and I was declared the winner.