CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Canadians demonstrated their profound ignorance of both soccer and geography when they all turned up yesterday for what they thought was going to be a three-sided contest played out by Canada, Bosnia and Herzegovina.

[Mick Harper]

This is the way my day gets wasted. I spot a YouTube What did Molotov say before he died? He's a dude I'm moderately interested in so, yes, I don't mind spending five minutes finding out. The YouTube is an hour and a half long. I have to watch it all, not to find out what he said, but why it is worth an hour and a half of YouTube saying so.

The bloke making the YouTube will make sure it's worth my time. Only it ain't, if you see what I mean.

[Mick Harper]

But let me demonstrate how deep the problem goes. After breaking off for an hour to do some proper work I decide I'm entitled to a quick YouTube break. This is what I am offered

South Korea's latest K-9 howitzer is insane. 31 min
I can skip it though I'm tempted

China pumped billions of litres of ocean water into a dead desert 28 min
Should watch it for my own YouTube

The crystal that's so stable it could destroy medicine 33 min
So must-see I'm not going to

Update from Ukraine Wow Moscow is under attack! Shoigu! Gerasimov! 52 min
Too long

Ethiopia stopped planting trees in the desert--Nobody saw this coming 22 min
More of the same

It's happening--World's first fusion plant applies to join the grid 20 min
Gordon Bennet

How Airbus outsmarted everyone with one jet 19 min
Seen it before but better check it out

Trump's $10 billion BBC lawsuit quickly backfires on him 16 min
I'll have to watch that to post it up here

We can't build anything--call China 17 min
It's about trains so I count that as entertainment

Another Soviet-ruined town. Kyrgyzstan this time. 35 min
It's my duty

I took Denmark's crazy high-speed ferry with a floating bus terminal onboard
Sorry, gotta go. This one demands my immediate attention.

And they'll all be gone if I don't watch the rest of them.

[Mick Harper]

You can tell how proud of their work people doing renovations round your house are by whether they call out 'Finished, Mr Harper' or just slope off without saying anything.

There's an intermediate position when they say. 'Could you come here a minute, Mr Harper, the new bath we're fitting is the wrong size unless you don't mind... [lists snags, makes extravagant promises].'

[Mick Harper]

Asked who would be best to lead the party into the next election, a canvas of the Parliamentary Labour Party by the whips and leaked to the AEL put the figures at

Andy Burnham 398
Keir Starmer 1
Wes Streeting 1
Angela Rayner 1

[Mick Harper]

My bathroom renovation continues apace. Or rather it doesn't. The ten days they promised it would take was up yesterday and my bathroom still looks like a genteel bombsite. As it happens I don't mind this. Being a recluse with a marked dispropensity for taking baths, it's no skin off my nose.

But I have been amazed at the mal-administration of the bathroom renovators. Apart from the very first day, I have received incorrect notice about who will be attending and when. Either it's the afternoon and they turn up in the morning, or vice versa or they don't turn up at all. Ten minutes ago I got a new twist: they had apologised that nobody would be able to come today and one did, bright and early. He was rewarded with a sight of my bare torso.

But that's not all. They come in the wrong order. "Sorry, Mr Harper, we can't put your tiles down, the carpenter hasn't done your floorboards." That was a week ago and though the floorboards were done the next day, the tilers have never returned.

Or they bring the wrong size. "Would you mind having the taps this end, Mr Harper? I think we can squeeze it in if you're OK with that." I was, anything for a quiet life, as long as they made sure... They didn't but it's too late now, the bath's all plumbed in.

Or things have not been delivered that should have been delivered. Like bright-and-early man. "They've left a tin of steel blue for your walls but not the matt white for the ceiling. Don't worry, I'll be back in three hours with the doings."

I don't expect he will be but I'm not worrying. It's all a great nuisance but worry is reserved for not selling enough books and global warming. They seem to be doing an excellent job, all things considered.

[Mick Harper]

So he went off. An hour later a dude shows up and hands me a tin of paint. My man returns well within the three-hour window, picks up tin of paint, gets down to work.

'Finished, I'm off, bye.'
'Wait, let me have a look.'
He trudges back down down stairs.
'Well?'
'You've used the wrong paint. This is white. I didn't order white. Who would want white walls, white ceiling, white tiles, white bath, white sink, white toilet?'
'It isn't white, it's 'soft steel'. Just like you ordered.'
He leaves. I'll know next time, soft steel is white. Not like this for example.

[Mick Harper]

I have worked out that my bathroom painters & decorators are working a scam. They turn up with Dulux tins, paint the bathroom with expensive Dulux paints and bill the client accordingly. In fact they are using cheaper 'trade' paint poured into Dulux tins.

I know this because the name of the colour has been obscured -- apparently accidentally by paint from a previous job -- on both the Dulux tins they have left sitting around my house with the rest of their clutter. Not to mention that 'Soft Steel' is a patented brand of Crown Paints.

Being an expert on fakes and forgeries has its practical uses.

[Mick Harper]

If you have spent years having the greatest difficulty reading stuff on your computer screen, try taking off your glasses. The results are remarkable.

[Mick Harper]

My bastard vape suppliers have only gone and withdrawn my favourite (my only) tipple, 'Chilled Mint' 18 mg/ml nicotine, the strongest available. The nanny state strikes again.

I will have to make do from now on, they tell me, with 'Chilled Mint' 20 mg/ml nicotine. Oh, all right, if you twist my arm.

[Mick Harper]

Out and about on my regular Saturday anthro-sociological field studies I spied a new type of street refuse bin. This was rectangular in shape and had four convenient slots at the top of each side, perfect for people coming at it from any direction. What could go wrong?

One thing that might, indeed did, was when it is full, as it is sure to be late on a summer Saturday afternoon on Ladbroke Grove. As people approached it with their empty Kentucky box (or whatever) and dutifully deposited it in the slot nearest them, an empty Kentucky box (or whatever) would be neatly ejected from each of the other three slots.

Verdict: insufficient testing in real world conditions.